The Don could train a cat

It is often said of an untalented trainer that he or she "couldn't train pigs to sh*t", or "couldn't train ivy up a wall".  I've also heard it said that so-and-so "couldn't train a cat", which is a rather less obvious metaphor.  I would like to put on record the fact that, lest that accusation be levelled at me, I can train a cat.  And I can prove it.  In this terrible weather, one likes to spend some time indoors drinking cups of hot tea.  A tea cosy can come in handy on such occasions, and we're lucky because Emma owns one, which doubles as a decoy cat (and is pictured here keeping the pot warm and decoying - if there is such a verb, and if this represents its correct use - Giant simultaneously).

However, as we know, material goods do not last forever, what with wear and tear and all that, so this tea cosy, durable and well-made though it appears to be, won't last forever.  Anyway, the obvious thought struck me that, if and when this tea cosy wears out, we won't have anything with which to keep the pot warm.  The obvious extension from this thought was that, if I could train a real cat to perform the same task as the imitation cat, then such a problem wouldn't come to pass.

Anyway, as these photographs show, I think that I am justfied in feeling pretty damn proud of myself: I think that it can truly be said that, irrespective of whether or not I can train a horse, I can definitely train a cat.  That, of course, leaves us wondering whether I can train a horse; and I have to admit that one thing I really don't think that I would be able to train a horse to do is to be a three-year-old and to be ineligible for a race, the sole qualification for entry to which is that it is for three-year-olds.  Mahmood al Zarooni can, though.  Fair play to the man.  Did you notice that?  The former Blue Riband Trial at the Epsom Spring Meeting (ie yesterday) attracted 18 entries, of whom 17 were allotted weights and one was deemed "not qualified".

How is this possible?  The sole criterion for eligibility is "for three yrs old only".  And the horse is definitely aged three.  I genuinely don't know how this horse (Swedish Sailor, who beat Noble Mission at Yarmouth last autumn) can be ineligible.  If he had been scratched, or had died, he would be scratched, rather than ineligible.  I suppose that if a horse had been the subject of a non-trier's enquiry and had been banned from racing for, say, 30 days, he might be deemed not to be qualified, but even then I'm not sure that that would have been the correct term - and, furthermore, if that were the case, I'm sure that we would have heard about it.  (And as he has won his only race, and hadn't raced for 183 days, it's hard to see how that could apply anyway).  If he needed a stalls' test before running again he wouldn't not be qualified, because he would still have been allotted a weight and would just have needed to take the test at some point prior to raceday.  Very strange.  Answers on a post card, please.  (And, by the way, on the subject of questions posed, it has been pointed out to me that Best Mate didn't win at four sucessive Festivals: he probably would have done, but the Festival at which he looked set to win the Arkle Chase was abandoned, courtesy of foot and mouth.  I will instead hazard a guess that Istabraq won at four consecutive Festivals - and probably would have won at five, but for foot and mouth).

One man who could probably train a horse or a cat to do just about anything is our fellow Exeter Road inmate Don Cantillon (who, correctly speaking, is an inmate of Rous Road, although a trainer in Exeter Road).  You might have seen Don's mighty achievement this week.  He has a one-eyed Old Vic mare who has won a bumper and who ran well in the mares' bumper at Aintree.  She's called As I Am.  He took her to Punchestown to run in the Grade One bumper there, which was not totally unrealistic, even if she looked to have very little chance against the top-class geldings.  He also took along an unraced horse called Grand Jesture to run in the previous day's bumper.  When interviewed on ATR prior to the first runner, he explained that he had only brought this one along to keep the mare company.  You've guessed it: the mare, predictably, was tailed off yesterday, but the previous day had seen Grand Jesture put up a terrific performance to win at 25/1.  This was Don at his finest.  Don is pictured here passing the time of day with Chris Wall on the Severals last month.  I saw Chris this morning and reminded him of my having witnessed this conversation, but he assures me that, whatever they were talking about, it wasn't about an unraced four-year-old being lined up for a coup at Punchestown!